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The LORD is Good, Loving and Faithful

Psalms 100:4-5; Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.

Before I came to Chicago, I had lived in Guro, Seoul, Korea where my grandparents had settled to work for a huge factory complex forty five years ago. Grandparents and Uncle's family also lived in the same neighborhood, so my sister and I were brought up half by my parents and the other half by grandparents, uncle and aunt. Guro which used to be a hub of manufacture in Seoul became a residential area by the time I was born. I lived in one of its houses, from which malls, schools, city transit, cafes, restaurants and many other facilities were within twenty-minute walk. It was a warm town where all my friends from elementary school and families lived and my personal havens were located.

Soon after my birth, my parents left UBF in pursuit of financial success rather than a sacrificial and humble Christian life. I have a faint memory of Mom often telling me that God was in my heart, but Christian atmosphere started to fade in my family. Dad started a business which thereafter thrived increasingly giving my family a luxurious car, thousands of books, fineries, expensive furniture and so forth. We had almost everything that one can cite as conditions of a good family. But the innermost aspect of my family was quite unstable. Dad could not be at home most of the time, restlessly maintaining his stance in a competitive business world. Mom suffered from lung cancer and thirst for the truth. She had to fight off cancer, take care of her husband and children, and at the same time seek the truth that would repel emptiness and dissatisfaction that relentlessly attacked her. They tried to hide their struggles and give me the best things they could afford, and my Dad still does, but I could not miss the implicit but detectable problems in my family.

What I did at that time was to form my value system gradually. My first priority was continuing to have joyful moments with family, especially with Mom. She was proud of me, and trusted me. She always encouraged me saying that I would grow up to be a talented and intelligent woman as my Korean name 'Jaewon' signifies. I was just happy to study, eat, laugh, and talk with her. Meanwhile, strong ambition for success formed inside my mind. This may be a part of my innate personality, but I also learned this attitude from Mom, with whom I spent most of my childhood. She continuously infused me with her philosophies of life: to enter a prestigious college, be a skillful professional, deposit much money in my account, and marry after I achieve all these so that my husband cannot distract me from my path. Another teaching from her was “No stock, No lottery, No Bible clubs”. These things were inscribed in my young mind just like American children cannot erase Disney movies from their minds.

When I entered middle school, my parents returned to Jesus and I was baptized. Dad’s business started to decline and went bankrupt eventually. Mom was told by her doctor to spend last few months in her life meaningfully. But she was too sick. She had to spend that few months in her bed, resorting to medical apparatus. She could hardly eat, speak, or move. A pastor at my church and his wife came over every week to have worship service with her. She cried and prayed for hours. I could not understand her behavior nor what the Bible said, but later on, a glimpse of faith in God that she showed taught me how powerful God's love is and how passionate a servant of God shall be in her prayer. Neighbors, church members and relatives visited frequently and took care of the house instead of her. I was too young to accept the absence of Mom's care and be helpful in this situation. I wanted to escape from it, so I isolated myself by studying and playing the piano in one room. If I had to go somewhere, I brought books with me so that I had something to do by myself. Though nobody told me so, I knew that she would not recover. Finally, she left us that summer. I was deprived of the primary pleasure of my life at once. So I looked for a substitute, and self discipline met the criteria. I could do it alone, and it gave me confidence that Mom used to plant in my mind. I kept isolating myself reading books, doing school studies, playing the piano, and studying the Bible. Whenever I was ready I presented to others my excellence obtained during the period of isolation, and compliments from them was the only pleasure of mine. Even though I was selfish and always separated myself from others, families, friends and church members approached and supported me proactively. Their warm hearts kept me from falling behind in any respect. And it was so generous of my sister Marie to put up with her older sister who abused her mentally and financially. I once charged her $60 for watching my favorite cartoon movie when I was at school.

In my last year in middle school, I decided to apply to Ewha high school instead of automatically transferring to a high school in my neighborhood. Ewha was very attractive in that it was a Christian boarding school for girls established by a female missionary in 1886, it had a larger campus than that of most Korean universities, and it only accepted students who showed certain level of academic performance. Many people prayed for me, God processed some of my application papers which might have been overdue otherwise, and I worked hard praying consistently. I was accepted to Ewha with full scholarship. I remember that I was overjoyed to hear the news. I gave out snacks to my friends and teachers, sent thank you messages to church members, and gave thanks to God in tears.

I did well at school; my class rank was seventh at the end, but my school had too many excellent girls to let me stand out alone. I found that in most cases the painful efforts I put to make an achievement outweigh the rewards from it. I was lost since self discipline could not be my source of satisfaction. I expected an answer from the Bible, but I was too arrogant to listen to Jesus just like Israelites stuck to the Messiah of their own imagination, rejecting the real Messiah. In my case the fake Messiah was knowledge. I believed that knowledge would enlighten me and bring me the truth, proving what is written in the Bible. Since most Korean schools have mandatory programs for their students from 8 a.m. to 10 p.m., that are mainly focused on a college entrance exam, knowledge and truth seemed to be unattainable unless I was not college-bound. I wanted to wring out of each moment the best productiveness and achievement to reach the truth, but it was painful to do so managing ongoing competition at school. Absence of stable caregiver and remarriage of my Dad laid extra pressure on me. I cried, sighed, complained a lot and distressed many people around me. At last, I gave up everything and spent almost one year doing nothing, captured by terrible depression. Whenever I came back from school, I lay down and cried for hours hoping that my Mom would come back and embrace me. God did not revive her; instead, he gave me his words and helpers. Every morning before going to classes, my friends and I gathered at a small room. We sang praises, read the Bible, shared ideas, and prayed together. My Dad, Stepmom, and church members prayed for me several times a day. Although I was taking a wrong approach to God, he put so many intercessors around me, and he himself taught me his words step by step, humbling my mind through the entire process.

I entered Ewha woman's university after graduation, spent one semester there, and emigrated to America. One semester was not too short to give me a new insight. Given enough time to ponder away from college entrance exam, I realized that knowledge was nothing more than an explanation of the nature that had been already set up, or an instrument to manage it. Knowledge could lead me to the truth by no means. I joined a prayer meeting where professors and students pray for Ewha. I learned how faithful God was in their lives. And also in UBF community, I saw church members, and families who experienced genuine victory and peace in Christ. All these things showed me one sole truth, Jesus. I was very thankful when I finally discovered this most precious treasure.

    Two months ago, I arrived at Chicago, and started Genesis Bible study. When I was asked if I believed in Genesis 1:1, "In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth", I could not answer with certainty. Exhausted from the turmoil in recent years, my mind was dormant and inactive. In prayer, God let me know that faith is a decision, an expression of love, not a passive and reluctant acknowledgement. I had to make a clear decision to follow Jesus as Israelites rid themselves of the foreign gods. When I welcomed Jesus as a master of my life, he filled me with peace and joy that the world cannot give me. He never failed to be with me and taught me his way whenever I sought his presence and wisdom.

I was defiant, arrogant, and doubtful. I turned to my own way, but it was God's endless love and faithfulness that dragged me to himself and put me in his kingdom. I pray that I may grow as a disciple of Jesus with you and my whole life become thanksgiving and praise for God. Amen.

One Word : The LORD is good and his love endures forever.