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2017 Luke’s gospel lesson 18

Key verse: Luke 10:2​ “The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field.”

Part 1. Darkness in my heart

I was born in Seoul, Korea on December 25,1973 as the first child of my parents. My parents had twin boys after me and they loved us dearly. Both of my parents had a poor education and my father had some previous failures in several businesses. For the most part of my life my father had no stable job and without any plan for the future. As a result, my mother started a business, which is illegal in Korea. It’s about lending money to people with high interest. Since that time their marriage life and our family life were never like before. My parents fought day and night about various different issues. My dad drank alcohol all the time and he didn’t look fine in my eyes. Often he became violent and my home became like hell. I couldn’t have any hope for the future, especially about marriage. I thought I wouldn’t be able to get married or I would eventually end up being divorced. I also had a low self-esteem regarding my outward appearance.

I tried to work hard on school studies, but I had such a hard time with one subject, Math. I entered a college but wasn’t happy with my major. Most of all, I didn’t know what to do with my life. I was lost again and became depressed.

When I first visited school I met a bible teacher from the UBF ministry. I had no desire to study with her because I was already going to a church and was very committed to it. Even so, she urged me to attend a bible lecture event on campus. It was a Thursday night and the message was about Zacchaeus. After the message there were testimony speakers. While I was listening to one person's powerful and truthful life testimony I realized that God is real and he is listening to her testimony quietly with us. It was a moment that I realized the presence of the awesome God. My heart was full of fear for God. After the meeting was over my legs were shaking and I thought I was in big trouble. Then the bible teacher asked me if I would start one to one Bible studies with her and I accepted. On the way home all my sins were shown to me in a panoramic view. 

I truly enjoyed John's gospel bible studies with her and I wrote bible testimonies each week. That summer I was invited to the 1992 summer bible conference. The title of the conference was "Do you love me?" Jesus’ words "Do you love me? Feed my lamb" were deeply engraved in my heart and never left me since that time. 

In the fall my bible teacher asked me to consider attending Sunday worship service at the UBF church. It was a NO WAY. It was unthinkable. Also my church was very small. There were only 2 college students, my friend and I. We were doing so much work for the church, it was almost impossible to consider leaving. Later the UBF pastor's wife met me and suggested we pray for forty days about this matter and to follow God’s direction. Forty days sounded good to me, for some reason. So I agreed and prayed to God to give me an answer about what church to serve and I would obey. Forty days passed but there was no sign, no answer. Soon there was a UBF Christmas joint service at an Olympic Weightlifting Stadium with thousands of attendants.My bible teacher said “1000 people sing “Hallelujah” and it’s very graceful.” After the worship service was over I said to myself, “UBF ministry is great but I love the run-down church of mine with less than 30 people including children.”

That Saturday night I prayed to God, “God, since you didn’t answer me today, tomorrow I’m going to my church” and I lied down to sleep. Then something I had never imagined happened. I still don’t know if I should believe it or not. I wasn't asleep but I saw a great figure standing outside of my house. The face was not seen. I knew it was not Moses, it was not an angel, but it was none other than Jesus! And my heart was beating as fast as it were beating at earthquakes and his voice was pounding in my heart. Jesus said to me, "How come you don’t obey me quickly." Instantly I said okay, I will obey. Again my heart was troubled and fearful and he said “How come you don’t obey me quickly." And finally when he repeated the words the 3rd time, I said "Yes, Lord, I will obey." And everything was gone. I quickly got up and knelt down and prayed. That night I couldn't sleep well because of fear and I wondered what would happen in my life. The Next day I went to UBF Sunday worship service. The message was based on Acts 10. "Get up Peter, kill and eat." It was very impressing that the messenger, Sh. Daniel Kim described how God connected the 2 people, Peter and Cornelius. Later I realized that the passage was a meaningful one to me.

Although I followed a great calling and started a new life in the ministry, I had to walk through such a painful path to reach Christ and follow him. It was a fierce spiritual battle the whole time. After coming to the ministry, I realized that I had a desire to show off myself and look attractive to men. I wanted to tempt them and this was a great sin before God. My body and heart were soaked into this sin. I was fine and well when I didn’t know it was a sin and when I didn't try to fight against it. When I recognized it as a sin and tried to fight against it, I became like a dead person. I couldn’t get out of the power of the sin. Satan attacked me day and night saying “You are not saved, see look at your sin”.

Also at that time, the piano servant who served the worship services and other meetings went to Iran as a missionary and I was asked to serve the piano as the main pianist. I realized that there was no such thing like “God’s glory” in my heart and body, not even 1 %. I realized that I wasn’t really interested in such a thing nor was I able to uphold it. There was only my glory, my boasting, people’s attention and the desire to look attractive to men in my heart. I couldn’t get out of the power of sin no matter how much I tried. It felt like I was chased by a swarm of bees or I was dragged by demons by the hair. I knew I was separated from God and we couldn’t be one. Walking on campus, walking to the center, talking, laughing, breathing and everything about me was like sins and curses. In the 3rd year of college, which should be the most beautiful time of my life, my heart was in complete darkness and hopelessness. I confessed all my sins to Jesus but I couldn’t believe his forgiveness.

There I reached to a fundamental question. Is Jesus really the son of God? Is he truly the Messiah? Is he my savior? It was a matter of life and death to me. That summer I searched the bible and wrote down all the verses that I could remember regarding the prophecies of the Old Testament about Jesus. Around that time, while I was listening to my friend’s testimony, the answer came: John 19:30, “When he had received the drink, Jesus said, “It is finished” With that he bowed his head and gave up his spirit.”

That was it! “It is finished.” FINISHED! When I understood and accepted what Jesus did and said, everything  made sense. And I accepted in my heart that Jesus died for me and it was finished. From that time on I started burdening his shoulders with all my sins. I was freed from my sins when I gave them to Jesus. Like a donkey and like a slave he carried all my burdens. When I started building a personal relationship with him by believing what he did for me, there arose a desire in my heart to live as his servant. So I tried my best to follow the spiritual seniors’ examples at the common life house, on campus and at church.

After graduating college, I decided to remain on campus instead of building a career in the hope of becoming a missionary. I wanted to give myself to campus ministry and receive spiritual training. I worked part time and served campus ministry fully in my twenties. But when my twenties were gone, it seemed like my work and labor was fruitless and sisters in common life got married one by one. It was not easy to serve their weddings with music every time. Often I prayed in the 3rd basement of the center in tears and read the bible. The 3rd basement, which is the bottom floor of the center, was my favorite place and I felt comfortable there.

It was the December of 2002 that I was turning 29. One Sunday Dr. John Jun gave a message based on John 12:24, “Very truly I tell you unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains as a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.” At one empty classroom on a campus I wrote a bible testimony with many tears and told God that I would remain in Jesus even if my personal life as a woman seemed to go nowhere. That night I was proposed for marriage from Msn. Augustine Kim from L.A.and we got married on Christmas day. God picked me up from the 3rd basement of the bible center and let me fly over the Pacific Ocean and planted me in Los Angeles on Aug. 3, 2003.

Part 2. Send out workers into his harvest field

After coming over to America, there was a summer conference. I couldn’t understand anything but the title and one-word of the messages and testimonies. I do remember the main theme of the conference which was “Do you love me” I wrote my testimony that I would feed his lambs based on his love.

Right away I was hired by a company and started working full time. It was very stressful and my boss wasn’t satisfied with my work. Then I realized how naive and inexperienced I was. I was just good-at-church person. But by God’s grace I was able to continue to work and through the company God granted us green cards for both Msn. Augustine and myself. Later, I became pregnant and my doctor wrote a letter to my boss that the baby’s head was not developing well. He wrote that I needed bed rest for 1 month. I was excused from work and went to campus. That was when I began going to CSULB for fishing and had many one to one bible studies. I was 7 months pregnant and my belly grew big in September but God sent me 7 bible students. My English was very poor and I didn’t have much experience of having 1:1 in English. I had to prepare the bible notes and memorize the sentences sometimes until 1 a.m. But when I saw the students’ innocent and lovely faces I was truly happy. God sent me many students every semester and it was such a joy to drive to campus every morning with a cup of coffee, my lunchbox and food to share with students.

I delivered my first child Theodore on December 2005. It was such a special experience. He was a chubby and  handsome boy and Msn. Augustine was very happy too. After that I delivered my second child, Marilyn. It was another special experience for me. With 2 children I felt that I received God’s complete blessing.

One day I met a very special student. She was committed to her church, but she had a great desire for Bible study with me. She received one word “Follow me” at the 2009 summer Bible conference and made a commitment to our ministry. She was eager to serve students and God sent her a student named Lucia. Lucia grew up as a catholic but when she received one word “Walk through the narrow door” she chose to be a Christian and asked her bible teacher Chamnan “Can I go to your church? She began sharing the gospel with her friends and her boyfriend Isaiah. She also invited them to worship services and conferences. Isaiah came to worship services for a while and stopped coming soon after. We wanted to serve one person well, Lucia. But a year later Isaiah eventually came back and asked Msn. Augustine if he could teach him the Bible. God made him a new creation through the words of God. In the winter of 2016, Isaiah and Lucia established a house church with many coworkers’ blessings and now Isaiah is serving as the presider at the worship service.

God had mercy on Msn. Augustine and myself and used us as harvest workers. But since we came to America we had to go through many difficulties while serving students and working together with American coworkers. There were many cultural differences that caused misunderstandings and conflicts. We were expecting and demanding the same as when we were at the Chongro center to the students and coworkers we were serving. What we did at Chongro center was the standard and what was taught at Chongro center was the measurement to us. When we didn't see these expectations being met from the students and coworkers, we were confused and didn’t know what to do. At this God helped us to think. With many people’s help we realized that we came to America not only with the gospel but also with Korean culture, Chongro center’s ways and traditions. God opened my eyes and let me see that it was pride with narrow-mindedness and not love. What I did, what I went through, what I experienced, what I learned and found out were all piled up and building into a huge Babel Tower. I came to understand that it was necessary for me to go through those things but I cannot expect the same ways and same things from others and whatever I went through may work as elements for pride and self-justification.

When I was in the greatest pain God opened my eyes and helped me to see with God’s and Jesus’ believing and loving eyes. He saw his 12 disciples with believing and loving eyes and called them as harvest workers and sent them out. It was his faith and love on them that allowed them to spread the gospel.

God allowed me to see how prideful and demanding I was and that my eyes did not see others with loving and believing eyes like his. Now it feels like everything I said and did were sins and shame. I believe that now I should lower my voice and begin to see everyone in a new way. Every day I went out to harvest others but actually the harvest had to take place within me.

I thank God for calling me and Msn. Augustine as his harvest workers and using us preciously although we were clumsy and imperfect instruments. It is amazing that he let us carry the gospel in us, such half-baked vessels. I truly understand it is an honor for us to carry the gospel and that we were able to speak the gospel to American students as God’s servants. I praise God who saw us with believing and loving eyes and called us as harvest workers. May God be glorified in both Msn. Augustine and myself. May God raise many harvest workers in America who can go out into his harvest field.

One word: Send out harvest workers!

Petra Kim

LA UBF