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John 21,17: “The third time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?” Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love me?” He said, “Lord you know all things; you know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Feed my sheep.”

Part I   Looking for God

I was born on the 7^th of November, 1981 in the Middle East, where I have spent the first 8 years of my life. Although these days have been overshadowed by war I could enjoy a sheltered childhood and received much love from my parents and all of my relatives.

Already in my preschool ages I was driven by many thoughts about all and sundry. Especially two main thoughts characterized my world view. First, the love of my mother. Again and again she told me that my little sister and I were her left and right eyes. One day I should estimate for how much money she would be ready to sell me. I told her a price for which I probably would sell myself, but she said: “No, I would never sell you for any money in the world.” and I was astonished quite a lot. But not only because of her words but because of her practical love which I could experience every day from the morning to the evening, I was absolutely sure that my mother had the greatest love in the whole world.

My early childhood was driven by another notion without leaving me in peace but which plagued me endlessly, namely the question about my existence and the existence of the entire creation. I knew I was born as a human, more precisely as a boy, but I didn’t know the reason. Why not a tree or a cat? Why not a girl but a boy? Actually I was very happy to be a boy, in a way this was my first thanks-topic but to whom should I be thankful? Additionally I would like to know why the nature was working so fluently. Was there any God who did create all things? But who could answer my endless questions? Even my mom who has been my only source of information before my enrolment couldn’t help me.

My thirst for knowledge and truth grew with the years. Finally I was confronted with the theory of evolution in Germany when we had biology lessons. This theory seemed to deliver plausible answers to all my questions. There had been no God, everything was developed over time. I was a product of breakdown, a freak of nature without sense and meaning. And my existence would end with my death, in the best case I could be used as organic manure. So I felt meaningless until I became 17. Because of the high moral standards of my mother’s rearing I could make a well-behaved impression to other people but inwardly I had no perspectives for the future. Why should I, when the death would be the goal of my life! Why not dying immediately? Why waiting a half century?

In these days full of uncertainty I focused on 2 things, to finish high school as effectively as possible, without any direction what to do afterwards and to dream about an unrealistic future as a successful soccer player or a famous classical musician. For that reason I started to practice Beethoven’s music with my electric piano day and night to become like him, an energetic and passionate character. In these days I was possessed by Beethoven and his music and started to compose my own piano and orchestra music based on his style. This way of live seemed to fulfil my live.

Part II  Meeting God

One day I made the acquaintance of a nice Korean boy next door who believed in the Bible, which confused me and whose parents were Missionaries for Germany, which confused me much more! Although I lived an atheistic life, I was highly prejudiced against Christianity, because of my Muslim background. He kept on talking about the Bible and my ambitions to warp him from faith grew in the same way. In doing this I had found a new aim of life, even though temporary. To quell the enemy I had to know him better, so I started to read the Bible up to 20 pages every day. I read the first four books of the Old Testament. But in the meantime my critical, prejudicial and above all my hostile attitude decreased constantly. In Exodus I experienced a personal turning point, when the enslaved Israelites shouted to God and God heard and reacted to their voices. I realized that the Bible was mediating the living God who hears the voice of people and answers. This fact deeply impressed me. From the depth of my pained heart I also wanted to shout out to God and I did, in my heart I cried that this God – if he existed – should help me in the same way as he had helped the Israelites. But would the God of Israel help me at all? In elementary school they had told us that the Palestinians were our friends and Israel our enemy. Would God answer my prayer, an enemy of his people?

Shortly afterwards God answered by an invitation to a 2^nd gen-conference in 1999. There I met young people from the 2^nd generation in my age who worshiped God. That impressed me much. Their life was so different than mine was. Obviously they had something that I had not. In the secret and silence of my room I also started to pray to God in the evening that he may reveal himself to me. We studied Luke 5,1-11 at the next day. Simon felt down to Jesus’ feet and said: "Go away from me, Lord; I am a sinful man!" This verse opened my eyes. I recognized God, the living one, who always was existent but at whom I had not believed my past 17 years. Therein I realized my fatal sin for the first time. Solidary I felt down on my knees like Simon and confessed: "Go away from me, Lord; I am a sinful man!" This moment of personal encounter with Jesus changed my life for ever. All questions about truth, knowledge and meaning of my life, where all things come from and where everything is going to have been answered all at once. My disorderly world picture gathered a divine order and once for all I made a decision to live with God and never without him.

Part III  Life with God

12 years have passed, after meeting God. I can’t do anything else than thanking God for his unilateral grace when I look back at the past 12 years. He did visit me and he hold a mirror of self-awareness up to me through our Lord Jesus Christ. My sin and my incompleteness are shouting to high heaven. I am worthy to receive endless death sentences. But instead of that God has accepted me and has led me to the grace of Jesus. I have realized that God, my creator, and Jesus Christ, my good shepherd, have more love than my own mother. The love of my mother, which seemed to be the greatest love in the whole world, fades in compare to the love of God. I also had the ambition to love God and his son as well. But how can a human being reply the love of God? Finally Gods word spoke deeply to me at the European Summer Conference in 2000. John 21,17: “The third time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?” Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love me?” He said, “Lord you know all things; you know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Feed my sheep.” Jesus wants to know if I love him too. Telling him “yes” is not enough, that’s why he repeats his question again and again. He is in earnest; he wants to know if I am ready to love him more than anyone else. I have recognized the seriousness of his question. And with a deeply moved heart I answered: “Lord you know all things; you know that I love you.” Than he requested: “Feed my sheep.” I have to feed Jesus’ sheep; I have to live the life of a shepherd along the lines of my good shepherd. This is the right way to love Jesus. Soon after I was appointed as a shepherd and had the opportunity to serve several bible-students.

I also thank God for taking away my reserve to other people so that I could serve him in diverse ways. God used me to serve our young orchestra and I could learn to guide through the joy of praising the Lord. God is using me as fellowship-servant so that I can learn to live in humility and in prayer. I also thank God for entrusting his word to me so that I can serve his word every second week as SWS messenger. I also yield God thanks for helping me to finish my economics studies at the University of H. victoriously. Through God’s one-sided grace I was accepted as a supply chain management planner in the world’s biggest chemical company, close to Heidelberg. In confidence to his sovereign leadership I pray for the next important steps in my life of faith. Especially that I may love him and his will and can grow in obedience and faithfulness so that my life is able to honour the name of God.

One word: Loving Jesus